So I feel like I've been doing a lot of complaining lately, and for that I apologize.
The reality is that since school has started things have been...different.
We've had to be more regimented. More organized. I have started to watch 2 more little munchkins at various times during the week, which adds to the overall mood of insanity. Time on the weekends is precious, since John's been away again. It seems like we can't cram enough in, and when we don't have anything planned, we exhaust ourselves trying to "spend quality time".
I spend my days feverishly trying to get it all done... the household stuff, the mom-bus, my daily run, errands, church stuff (the list goes on and on). I live for little foot bedtime, when I can call John, recap the day, and completely abandon my brain to an hour of mindless TV.
The strange thing is, that in my quest to accomplish, I'm having to remind myself to smile. I have to remind myself to snuggle Porter. I have to remind myself to laugh at Emerson' little joke, and remember to ask Grace about her new friend at school. And then, when I'm shutting off lights on my way back to turn in for the night, I peak in at the little sleepyheads, and am overcome by that feeling of love for them. It's usually at that point that I remember something funny that Porter did, or something sweet Grace said, but in my hurry to get dinner on the table, I totally missed it.
My prayers are full of gratitude for these children, but I only savor that feeling after they're asleep. Each day starts a little better, but ultimately ends with me in a perpetually bad mood, and another day of their lives are seemingly lost from my memory due to productivity.
As I sat contemplating Sunday dinner during Relief Society last Sunday, someone's comment cut through my inattention and brought things sharply into focus. She recapped a conversation she had had with a grown son about the relationship and love between parents and children. She then concluded with sort of an afterthought comment about her time at home with her kids "...those were the best 20 years of my life."
I know I've heard people say things like this many times. It's almost innate, that understanding that parenthood is the icing on the cake of our lives. I don't think I had ever forgotten that. But like marriage, being a parent takes constant work and effort. It was easy for me to be spontaneous and liberal with my hugs when things were simpler... back when we didn't have to move at a timed pace, and things weren't coming undone faster than I could I do. But lately the complications have been plenty.
As I've thought about that comment all week, I've wondered what about all this I'll remember 40 or 50 years from now. Will it be that I kept my house clean, or that I felt confident that Grace knew I loved her? Will it be that I got to the gym every day, or that I could recall the feeling of Porter's delicious cheeks after a nap? I want to be able to look back on this time, not only as the best in my life, but with as few regrets as possible. And so, begins another day.
(Ugh, more complaining again. I'm done, I promise.)
The reality is that since school has started things have been...different.
We've had to be more regimented. More organized. I have started to watch 2 more little munchkins at various times during the week, which adds to the overall mood of insanity. Time on the weekends is precious, since John's been away again. It seems like we can't cram enough in, and when we don't have anything planned, we exhaust ourselves trying to "spend quality time".
I spend my days feverishly trying to get it all done... the household stuff, the mom-bus, my daily run, errands, church stuff (the list goes on and on). I live for little foot bedtime, when I can call John, recap the day, and completely abandon my brain to an hour of mindless TV.
The strange thing is, that in my quest to accomplish, I'm having to remind myself to smile. I have to remind myself to snuggle Porter. I have to remind myself to laugh at Emerson' little joke, and remember to ask Grace about her new friend at school. And then, when I'm shutting off lights on my way back to turn in for the night, I peak in at the little sleepyheads, and am overcome by that feeling of love for them. It's usually at that point that I remember something funny that Porter did, or something sweet Grace said, but in my hurry to get dinner on the table, I totally missed it.
My prayers are full of gratitude for these children, but I only savor that feeling after they're asleep. Each day starts a little better, but ultimately ends with me in a perpetually bad mood, and another day of their lives are seemingly lost from my memory due to productivity.
As I sat contemplating Sunday dinner during Relief Society last Sunday, someone's comment cut through my inattention and brought things sharply into focus. She recapped a conversation she had had with a grown son about the relationship and love between parents and children. She then concluded with sort of an afterthought comment about her time at home with her kids "...those were the best 20 years of my life."
I know I've heard people say things like this many times. It's almost innate, that understanding that parenthood is the icing on the cake of our lives. I don't think I had ever forgotten that. But like marriage, being a parent takes constant work and effort. It was easy for me to be spontaneous and liberal with my hugs when things were simpler... back when we didn't have to move at a timed pace, and things weren't coming undone faster than I could I do. But lately the complications have been plenty.
As I've thought about that comment all week, I've wondered what about all this I'll remember 40 or 50 years from now. Will it be that I kept my house clean, or that I felt confident that Grace knew I loved her? Will it be that I got to the gym every day, or that I could recall the feeling of Porter's delicious cheeks after a nap? I want to be able to look back on this time, not only as the best in my life, but with as few regrets as possible. And so, begins another day.
(Ugh, more complaining again. I'm done, I promise.)
Comments
Thanks for reminding me too :).
P.S. You're a beautiful writer.
I've recently learned that we also need to treat our marriage the same way instead of focusing on the small things they do that constantly annoy us.
That doesn't have anything to do with your post, but I guess I just needed to get that out of my head and start applying it to my life.
I think you recognize how blessed you are, and I think that recognition will bring you a lot of automatic happiness!
Also, if you want/need/crave company/help during the day, you should totally call me. The company might do us both good! Keep smiling!
Love ya from afar,
Melinda (and jason & isaiah)
PS who takes your header photos? Johnny or you? Beautiful!